Judgmental eyes lurk around every corner

I have always been a very open and honest person and that gets me into a lot of trouble from time to time. You think you can trust a person or at the very least at trust that they will understand but the truth of the matter is that there are so very few people that you can trust with the things that my family has been through in the last year. Which is why I am very reserved with what I say on here. Know that I am a good mom. I view myself as a good mom but none of us are perfect. Jesus is the only person that walked on this earth that was perfect and even he was condemned. So if Jesus was perfect and was still judged that should tell you how humanity can just be so awful. If you had asked me even just a few years ago if I would ever walk out on my family I would have asked you if you were crazy. This was not something that I took lightly. I gave this tons of thought and in my mind, because of the roll I have played in these things happening I decided that for now it was the best thing that I could do for my family. I could give a crap less about myself. It is giving me time to reflect on the things I have done. Nothing illegal or anything like that. It is allowing for us to try and heal at a distance instead of just having fight after fight that just digs us deeper and deeper into destruction. This is not a permanent situation because I want my kids around. I want to have a relationship with my kids and what we were doing was just shoving a wedge deeper into the wounds that were already there. I work as much as I can at my job and when I am not working I am driving my guilt for everything deeper into my heart because I carry so much guilt. My son tried to kill himself and made it a point to tell me that it was because of me. That was the tipping point for me. That was when I realized that I had to make a drastic decision and that was for me to leave. I feel like people think I am just over here having this wonderful vacation away from life and trust me I am not. When I am not working I am sitting here alone in this camper crying. Mostly my cries turn to sobs because my heart hurts so bad about the past, present and even sometimes the future because I don't know what the future holds for us. I do know this though. It took my son also making a drastic decision to get my attention and then 5 days later blaming me for so much. He told me in a good conversation that all he wants is my love and I do love him but the bad has clouded all the good. He only sees the bad.

I was at the house last night and I tried talking to my husband but he is just so cold to me and you know what, I don't blame him. But I also had a very meaningful conversation with my son and told him that I was gone because I was protecting him from me. From my harsh words. I also got into a really bad habit of expecting my son carry burdens that no child should ever have to carry. I treated him like he was an adult. I would complain about his dad to him and about my job among so many other things. Children can't process adult problems no matter how mature they may seem they are children and I lost site of that a long time ago. I think it started after loosing my mom in 2011. I told my mom and my husband that if I lost my mom, my husband, or any of my children to watch me because the love I had for all of them was so great that I could see myself slipping away piece at a time. That is EXACTLY what happened. My son misses her just as much as I do but I needed to be his rock for the days it felt to hard to go on without her and not the other way around. I secretly slipped into this spiral that was slow for a few years and then suddenly I spiraled faster than I ever could have imagined. I lost me and the only way I can be the mother I was and hope to be again one day is to step back. An impossible decision to make but it had to be made. They are better off with their father right now who I know is a good daddy and can provide that stability that they need because I see that I can't possibly be that. One thing I told my son was that no matter what though that if he needed me for whatever reason that I would be there. If he called me right now and told me to come to him I would drop everything that I am doing and go hold my son and tell him that everything is going to be okay. Because through God everything is possible and I know that God will heal our family.

Kitchen Table

I went to the house today hoping that no one was there. I knew that my husband was at work all day but my oldest son being there was a hit or miss. Well he was not there. I did my laundry and cleaned up around the house a little bit. My husband is suffering through a lot of things also so I felt as though it was the least I could do to clean up since I did leave it a mess. It was nothing big I just wiped down the counter tops and put some things away, threw away some trash and vacuumed the house a little. I made our bed and didn't scrub the floors but I did wipe them down because there were spills everywhere. I was basically doing something with my time while I waited for my laundry to finish. But one thing bothered me really bad. My kitchen table. We have had that table since my boys were really young so that table has been through a lot. That is the one piece of furniture in peoples homes that stays pretty constant if you think about it. People get new furniture and beds and all kinds of things but for the most part the kitchen table stays. While I wiped the table down I noticed all the nicks and scratches in it. If you look closely you can see words from homework that has been done. Bills have been paid at that table, many pumpkins carved, many dinners served. Thanksgivings, Christmas's, birthday candles blown out. Talks, fights and even crying have all been done over this table. Something so small that people take for granted and yet its such a huge thing to me now. I wish I could sit at that table with my family right now and talk and cry and just work this all out but its far beyond just a conversation at a dinner table. And it may never happen again. But until our final decisions are made that table will sit there waiting for its family to come home and be together again and to laugh, cry, eat, spend a birthday or ten. My heart is so broken today. I just want to go back to when we were all okay. I just want to feel whole again.

Rock Bottom

I want to be able to feel safe on here where I know that no one I know is watching but I can't possibly share everything that has gone on in my life in the last year, in my families lives. All I can do is write about how I am feeling right now. I am totally alone. Sure I have friends and that is great but my heart and soul feel completely alone. I walked out on my family, not because I have no intentions on ever coming back but because it was what I had to do for me and for them. I continued to hurt them emotionally even though that was never my intentions I did it. So much so that my son tried to kill himself and I blame myself for that. I really have always tried to be the best mother that I knew how but when I lost my mother back in November of 2011 a part of me died with her and I can't get that back. It seems like the older I get the more and more pieces of me someone takes with them. The affairs that my husband had took away from who I was, my moms death took away from who I was. Its a slow fade but its been over the course of so many years that now I find myself at the bottom of a deep dark hole. Everyone tells you that once you reach rock bottom that there is only one way left to go and that is up. In my experience that is not true. You see I am down there but the weight of the world is down there with me and it has a shovel and it is digging the hole deeper every day. I'm holding on by a thread but I keep going deeper. The only question now that remains is how much further down can I go till I can't hold on anymore, till that thread snaps and there is no way to recover. That is where I am. I live in fear that it will all just give way and that I will be lost forever. I have contemplated suicide multiple times lately. Don't worry I won't do it. At least I feel like I won't.

 I could not do that to my kids.

I am just in so much pain that from one moment to the next I am a different set of emotions every time I talk to anyone. I am trying to take a time out here and pull myself together. I am living in a small RV trailer where I have nothing but space heaters for heat and hardly any hot water. I have no fridge at all so I can't keep food here at the trailer. I was going to have my girls with me but I can't have them living here when I don't even have the basic necessities. I try my hardest to work as many hours as I can but I am having so many medical problems that working a lot is really hard on me, but I do it. Been in the ER 4 times in the last month for migraine headaches. Stomach issues to the point that they want to do a scope, chronic pain that was already bad enough before my car accident in September 2015. Had chronic neck pain prior to that and now I have chronic back pain. My legs are the newest issue. They just hurt all the time, some days are worse than others. My doctor has told me that she is not convinced that I don't have MS. My husband told me the other day that he knows I am in pain and that he can see when I am having a bad day but that he thinks I am using it as an excuse. I would think that my husband of all people would be my biggest support system but I am finding out a lot here lately that he is the total opposite. It hurts so bad that he can't see that I am struggling so bad but on the other hand I know he is also struggling. Our two teenage sons have put us through so much over the last year. One son did unthinkable things and the other is piling on drug charge after drug charge. They are only 13 and 15. I wanted more for them than this but this is the hand we were dealt I suppose. My heart breaks that they are acting like this but my oldest hates me. Just a few short years ago everything was perfect and I long to have those days back but I fear they never will be again.

With tears streaming down my face I wonder how one goes from this happy family to where we are now. Look at us!!!! Look at how happy we all were. Some will judge by my posts but the truth remains that you have no idea nor could you even begin to understand where I am coming from and the amount of hurt and depression that I am feeling unless you have been through something similar. I am using this as a sort of healing thing I guess. I feel more responsible than anyone can understand and my husband is not making it any easier by telling me, "...but honestly it has been easier without you here." I expected that it would be easier if I removed myself but to actually be told that by someone who is suppose to be my best friend hurt so much.

Hold on to your family because you never know when things will head south and when they do it happens fast. Love your families and your kids, your spouse, your friends because you never know what could happen. You also never know what storm someone is walking through so be kind with your words and do not pass judgment because that is only Gods job to judge.